Why can't THEY change? Why does it have to be ME?

Otherwise known as "If they would change, THEN I could be happy."

Everyone experiences frustrations in relationships: personal, parenting, business, social. Sometimes these are much more serious than just "frustrations." Sometimes it's ongoing emotional abuse, neglect, financial exploitation or addictive behaviors (i.e. alcohol, drugs, porn, shopping, food, gambling) Sometimes it falls somewhere in the middle: "He always has one too many drinks when we go out and embarrasses me; or leaves me afraid to get in a car with him." Or "My child is disorganized, irresponsible and dishonest. What can I do to make this child change his/her habits?" Remember Jesus's words in Matthew 7:3-5? We are exhorted to remove the log from our own eye before we seek to remove the speck from our brother's eye. This practical common sense - clean your own field of vision so that you can see well enough to address the whole problem- will result in good results. From a clinical perspective this is similar to "Stop. Evaluate your own position. Get some additional or different perspective." I must remember what is really in my control, and what isn't. When releasing the need to change other people, and taking a deep breath, we are calming our stress response system and stabilizing our ability to make healthy choices in any given situation.

Some people spend weeks, months or years attempting to change the outward situations or relationships they are involved with- looking for the change that they believe will bring peace or make them happy. Prayer is often a big part of this attempt. I know(!) because this is exactly what I did for a very long time. I was deceived and wondered why God was not answering my prayers. It's because true, lasting happiness only comes when we are living with a settled, confident heart, aligned with our personal values. Other people's choices do not get to define me. I do. I think that God is waiting for US to change because He has so much more for us than we could ever imagine! When our eyes are on the other person or the outward situation, we are in danger of missing ourselves and our own health and happiness.

We must be willing to take a second look at our beliefs and attitudes in these types of situations. You know the ones I mean; the spouse that you love (or the marriage you are fighting for), the "best friend" that you need, a co-worker at a job that you love and need. I desperately wanted the connection that I thought I would lose with the other person if I quit trying to change the whole situation. In fact, most times I was driving a wedge between me and them. We only hurt ourselves when we believe that "If they would change, THEN I could be happy." Changing our beliefs takes courage and a good coach or therapist can help you obtain that courage and take the steps to change what needs to be changed.

As human beings we are designed and wired for connection and belonging. Our thoughts, emotions and attitudes- though often hidden, will affect the atmosphere and relationships around us. Remember, Jesus wants our hearts- the interior life, not just the outward behaviors which is what is meant by Matthew 15:18: “’These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." While religious activities are both honorable and valuable, if they stop short of yielding our own interior self to change, we miss the real goal. I believe God is yearning for a close, connected relationship with us, one in which we aren't driven by fear and are able to be real. The world as we know it today, is outcome focused with an eye toward controlling one's behaviors. This is the opposite of what it takes to become truly healthy, from both a clinical and a spiritual viewpoint. When we move in a positive interior direction it allows behaviors to naturally follow. This in turn opens up opportunities for others- who see our changed behaviors, to also choose change, but never guarantees that they will do so. IF we remain fixed on the belief that "if I change, so will ______" then we are very often disappointed. Which is why we must also practice good self-care and utilize healthy boundaries with assertive communication. This is how we get our needs met. Our best motivation to change should be because we are aiming toward honoring our own values as we become more connected to others. When we begin to change from the inside out first, we lower our internal stress levels and often gain mental and spiritual clarity to discover the next steps to solving our problems, no matter what they are.

Disclaimer: This short blog addresses the everyday conflicts and difficulties that most people face. IF you are in a dangerous or abusive situation, you are highly encouraged to seek professional help or intervention.

At Gotcha Covered Coaching, the focus is on creating a safe and supportive space for individuals to explore their beliefs, emotions and resulting behaviors, With a trauma focused lens you will be honored and cared for no matter the difficulty you may be facing. For more information, please drop your contact info to find out how you can benefit from either coaching or therapy with Serena. The first 15 minutes of your phone call are no charge. I promise! You won't regret it!